I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
