you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
