now i know why i became what i already was.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
