Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
