some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
