Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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