mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
