She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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