I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
