I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
