i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize