Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
