? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
