i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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