His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
