My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
