i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
