The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
