I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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