Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
