Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
