Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
