just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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