I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
