I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
