I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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