it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
