There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
