God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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