I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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