did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
