areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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