I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
