don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
