true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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