I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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