Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
