Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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