so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
they're like a gay fantastic four
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
