You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
