My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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