New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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