My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Found the puke drawer
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
