Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
