She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
