so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
