You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
