Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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