i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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