**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
