Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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