My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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