Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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