I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
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